What do you think of the beginning of my story?
Just Dance starts playing on my phone. I slowly peel my face off my drool-covered pillow and check the clock. 10:30. Why would anyone call me at 10:30 on a Saturday? I throw my teddy at the phone, knocking it to the ground with a small clatter. Pulling a pillow tight over my head I try to fall back asleep as the ringing slowly fades to a stop. As soon as I let out a sigh, the ringing starts up again. I throw my duvet off and make a growling noise in the back of my throat.
“Alright! I’m up!” I shout as I jump out of bed and grab the stupid device that woke me from my dreams of sunny beaches. I flip it open and read the name of one of my best friends, Jessica. Best friend my ass, I think as I hit ‘talk’.
“What do you want?” I ask, not bothering to hide the annoyed tone in my voice.
“Happy Birthday!” Two voices shriek in my ear. They’re both there. Kayla and Jessica, the two most important people in my life. I can’t stay mad at them, or annoyed, whichever you prefer, so I allow the smile to creep on my face.
“Thanks guys.”
“So? What do you want to do today?”
“Oh, well, I hadn’t really planned anything…you sort of caught me sleeping, as usual.”
I could practically hear her rolling her eyes on the other end, “Okay, well, Kayla and I are coming to pick you up in about…an hour. So, be ready, because we’ll take you half dressed if that’s the condition your in when we get there. Okay? Alright, love you! Bye!” I closed the phone quietly and tip-toed to my door. Slowly opening it, I poked my head out, praying a silent prayer that dad was out, even if the only ‘out’ for him was the bar. I couldn’t hear his loud snores, or any other noise in the house, so I grabbed my robe and sprinted to the blue bathroom down the hall.
“Seventeen,” I whispered to the reflection in the mirror. I watch as the too-blue eyes stare back at me, like a stranger. I pull the rubber band out of my hair and let my chocolate brown hair fall down to the middle of my back, wincing as I remember how thick and crazy it gets. Touching my sharp cheekbones, I notice how much my porcelain skin stands out against the dark blue background, causing my full lips to press into a tight line. I shake my head and undress, slowly stepping into the boiling water spitting down from the shower head.
Goosebumps rise on my arms and I make the shower a bit speedy, remembering my time is more limited than usual. After rinsing the last of the soap and shampoo from my body, I shut the water off and grab a towel, wrapping it tightly around my arms before the heat is able to completely escape my body. Darting to my room, I scramble around in the wooden drawers of my dresser grabbing clothes and throwing them on. Back in the bathroom, I rip a comb through my hair, wincing as I feel the rare strands being pulled from my scalp. I glance at the clock as I brush my teeth and see that I only have 20 minutes left, I spit, rinse, and grab the hair dryer. I spend my remaining time drying my hair and wince when I see the finished masterpiece that is my appearance. Hair in its naturally loose curls, black tank top and red shorts reaching my mid-thigh. It would have to do, because the doorbell was ringing impatiently.
Grabbing my purse- which had a grand total of in it- and slipping on a green pair of flip flops, I opened the door, excited the be with the girls.
Jessica’s jaw dropped and Kayla’s eyebrows flew up as she let out a low whistle. I could feel my cheeks slightly turning pink.
“What? Why are you guys doing that?!”
Kayla giggled, “Calm down, Noelle. We just didn’t know you had such hot legs.” I punched her arm.
“Shut up”
Thanks guys!
I'm only 14, and this is my first major story.
;D
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So I rarely, rarely read people’s stories on here. And I must admit, out of the few I do read, this is one that I actually enjoyed. I’m not a big fan of the 1st person narration, but this one actually kept me interested. I love stories that can do that. I find you way you explain your main character you be amazing !
"“Seventeen,” I whispered to the reflection in the mirror. I watch as the too-blue eyes stare back at me, like a stranger. I pull the rubber band out of my hair and let my chocolate brown hair fall down to the middle of my back, wincing as I remember how thick and crazy it gets. Touching my sharp cheekbones, I notice how much my porcelain skin stands out against the dark blue background, causing my full lips to press into a tight line. I shake my head and undress, slowly stepping into the boiling water spitting down from the shower head."
That’s my favorite part. You explain very well. HOWEVER, I noticed you use the word "wincing" a lot. See if you can find a synonym, or another verb. haha, well other then that, I really really liked it. I’m curious to read more ! Is it a long short story , or a novel? Best of luck
good story cant wait to read more.keep up the good work
Very good, much better than most amateur stories I read. Though I think you were too obvious when you described her, if you know what I mean.
It’s good. Great detail, good style.
BUT, you use too many personal pronouns. I, me, and my. You use "I" a LOT.
1st person is very hard to write from. I’m currently writing a story from 1st person and I had the same problem as you. It’s very hard. But all you have to do is substitute a little, combine some sentences, and you’re good.
Also don’t spend so much time describing how she gets ready. That’s boring.
It’s cute, I’ll admit. It kept me entertained throughout the piece. I like how you took your time explaining things, but didn’t spend *too* much time on them. You have some grammar mistakes. Like at one point you said "your" when you meant to say "you’re". Unimportant, common mistakes.
But other than that, it’s a start. :]
Its great! The only thing I would say is make the very first sentence a little more attention grabbing. Other than that its perfect! I can’t wait to read more…if you post more that is.(:
Anyways awesome story.(:
1. It’s great ! Makes you want to read more .
2. You can’t take a shower in a boiling water , so you may want to change it to something like " hot water" or "steamy shower" . You get the idea .
3. Love that you use a lot of verbs , it gives pace to a story even when your protagonist is just standing still ( or sleeping ) .
It was really good. There were a few errors, but it was definitely good. KEEP WRITING!
i like it a lot. Your good at writing stories. are you gonna continue it?
I really like it; my only idea would be to add some more interesting description words. Perhaps you could describe the setting more as the plot seems to begin somewhat abruptly.
Actually pretty good for a fourteen year old. Could use a bit of polishing, but otherwise, it’s really good.
That’s very good for your first time. I like how you described the way she got up from the phone call ^^. My eyes were glued on the text from start to finish. Keep writing! Can’t wait to read more!