What do you think of the beginning of my story?
by Author on Tuesday, June 8th, 2010 | 12 Comments
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So I rarely, rarely read people’s stories on here. And I must admit, out of the few I do read, this is one that I actually enjoyed. I’m not a big fan of the 1st person narration, but this one actually kept me interested. I love stories that can do that. I find you way you explain your main character you be amazing !
"“Seventeen,” I whispered to the reflection in the mirror. I watch as the too-blue eyes stare back at me, like a stranger. I pull the rubber band out of my hair and let my chocolate brown hair fall down to the middle of my back, wincing as I remember how thick and crazy it gets. Touching my sharp cheekbones, I notice how much my porcelain skin stands out against the dark blue background, causing my full lips to press into a tight line. I shake my head and undress, slowly stepping into the boiling water spitting down from the shower head."
That’s my favorite part. You explain very well. HOWEVER, I noticed you use the word "wincing" a lot. See if you can find a synonym, or another verb. haha, well other then that, I really really liked it. I’m curious to read more ! Is it a long short story , or a novel? Best of luck
good story cant wait to read more.keep up the good work
Very good, much better than most amateur stories I read. Though I think you were too obvious when you described her, if you know what I mean.
It’s good. Great detail, good style.
BUT, you use too many personal pronouns. I, me, and my. You use "I" a LOT.
1st person is very hard to write from. I’m currently writing a story from 1st person and I had the same problem as you. It’s very hard. But all you have to do is substitute a little, combine some sentences, and you’re good.
Also don’t spend so much time describing how she gets ready. That’s boring.
It’s cute, I’ll admit. It kept me entertained throughout the piece. I like how you took your time explaining things, but didn’t spend *too* much time on them. You have some grammar mistakes. Like at one point you said "your" when you meant to say "you’re". Unimportant, common mistakes.
But other than that, it’s a start. :]
Its great! The only thing I would say is make the very first sentence a little more attention grabbing. Other than that its perfect! I can’t wait to read more…if you post more that is.(:
Anyways awesome story.(:
1. It’s great ! Makes you want to read more .
2. You can’t take a shower in a boiling water , so you may want to change it to something like " hot water" or "steamy shower" . You get the idea .
3. Love that you use a lot of verbs , it gives pace to a story even when your protagonist is just standing still ( or sleeping ) .
It was really good. There were a few errors, but it was definitely good. KEEP WRITING!
i like it a lot. Your good at writing stories. are you gonna continue it?
I really like it; my only idea would be to add some more interesting description words. Perhaps you could describe the setting more as the plot seems to begin somewhat abruptly.
Actually pretty good for a fourteen year old. Could use a bit of polishing, but otherwise, it’s really good.
That’s very good for your first time. I like how you described the way she got up from the phone call ^^. My eyes were glued on the text from start to finish. Keep writing! Can’t wait to read more!